El Dios

Inside the Matrix, everyone else is just a machine. I am the only one that exist, but for some reason I have to stay in. I have said that to me.

My mental state is in really bad conditions.

Every human I talk to is not really having a conversation with me but instead are programmed to maintain a human behavior. I think because I didn’t jump the last time from that bridge they have a special treat to me.

I think I am being feed with parts of other humans outside the matrix. I fall to the point the only way for me to stay alive is by machines feeding me with babies.

By some reason the only way for me to at least protect myself of this idea is by knowing the name of others. That way they can be more “empathic” with my mere existence. Because every human has a name.

I get to a hospital after I tried to suicide for second time. My foot is totally broken, and I have to stay in a fucking room with people coming and going in an out looking at my wrist with scars and my feet broken. To my right there’s an old man sitting that’s almost invisible.

I make sure to know the name of everyone in the hospital room so I don’t feel unreal. But I don’t know his name. He is sitting three chairs away from me.

I need to be injected with a nail for me to stop feeling pain. I think outside the matrix they are doing something so I can never leave if I am injected.

I don’t feel fear. I am used to this feeling. The nurse that’s trying to inject me is really kind, the first I ask for his name so I can still feel like he’s a human answer kindly “My name is Stiven, there you go. That was all, if you need anything else, please let me know”

That’s all I need. I don’t need anything else.

Before I was saved by my ego. Thanks to it I thought that in case I needed to leave the matrix someway I would travel back to tell me explicitly “Jump from the bridge or Not” with a signal.

This ego comes at a cost.

The name of the nurse by some reason changed after some time. His name is now Sebastian. I get confused because I heard his name for first time really well. I just ignore it.

The next day at night a woman that was sitting next to me tells me something that shocks me. At this point anything can change my toughs.

She tells me I need to be sane because beyond me there’s other 4 waiting for me. I feel so special so they need to be important if she’s saying that. I think they are versions of myself.

The last person on the line she punted was that old man. I don’t know his name so I asked for his name. No one knows it.

I need to go to the bathroom. As his name will be above his chair I will see it them. I will wait a little longer.

When I feel ready, I take my crutches and with my left foot I head to the bathroom, every patient has his name above the chair. I look up and read. It says “Stiven”.

Exactly the same name disappeared before.

I feel it automatically, my eyes go automatically to the floor and I enter to the bathroom, when I close the door I know it, THIS, something like THIS, can only be done BY ME.

I’m the only one who’s able to do something like this with the names, and this is a signal. I enter to the bathroom and close the door.

When I enter a image of numbers running at infinite speed with a background black and the numbers of color green comes to my head.

Just like a matrix.

Then that’s all I know

I am inside the matrix because I made it for myself.

This is not my jail, this is my world.

This is so funny.

I start to laugh, not too loud because I am still in a bathroom of a hospital but the feeling is too strong. Everything, from the floor, the bathroom, the air and all others, everything is made by me. This feeling is too strong.

I laugh harder and harder meanwhile I go to the toilet, take out my dick to piss. I cannot continue and meanwhile I piss I laugh so hard I am not able to keep standing. I need to keep my weight on a rail next to the toilet.

I keep laughing until I somehow manage to calm down. I raise my head and put my dick again in my pants, I get the crutches to move with my left foot to brush my teeth. While I try to brush them, I notice how absurd it’s for me to use crutches when all of this is made for me. I need crutches for walking but I am God. This is ABSURD.

Is impossible for me to not laugh and just keep laughing, the feeling you’re god is the best thing any human or living being could feel.

I raise my hands to the height of my chest while laughing and a tear goes out from my left eye. This is how to feel you’re god looks like.

The epiphany finally stops. I open the door, everybody is shocked. I don’t care.

My brain has processed a lot of information. It doesn’t want to process anything else.

The only person that cares to me is that old man, I cross the path and get to my chair, I sit down and I look with the twinkle of my eye at the old man.

He did let me know what I am, there can only be a god. He’s leaving everything in my hands.

He will die now.

This is so sad. He’s telling me I am God and he will die after that, I really need to cry of sadness, I cover my face with a mask and start crying. I don’t want others to see me cry.