thoughts…

Lost, that’s the only word i can think of, i’ve always been lost but now it’s different, i feel different, nostalgic maybe, am frustrated by my life now, am stressed, this is not what i imagined it would be. I’m eating a lot, I think, and I feel it in my body but I don’t know how to stop. The only thing i can think of is when is it going to be my time, when is somebody going to love me the way i’ve always dreamed, i think, never. Am disgusted everytime i look at myself, I just want to feel something, it’s like I’ve been on autopilot all my life. I’ll never understand why it is so easy for some people and so hard for me. I’ll never understand why I am the way I am, why I can’t talk to people, I am so awkward and I hate myself. if i was pretty things would be easier but i feel like i have to compensate for that. I feel so stupid everytime i guy pays me even a little bit of attention , i imagine and wonder, but its never for the reason i want.